The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
