A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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