You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
