so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
