I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
