so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
