You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
