how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
