Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
