Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
