You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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