A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
