the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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