I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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