I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
