Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
