God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
