upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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