Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
