I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mom said you looked used
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
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