my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
