My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
