Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
time to smoke my breakfast
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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