i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
