life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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