highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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