i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
