ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
