So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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