i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
