when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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