he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
