dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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