I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
