the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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