i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
