There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
