Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We had to coat check the pizza.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
