there's paper in my vomit.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
