Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
