Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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