things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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