I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
