New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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