textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
