first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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