I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
