I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
