apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
