you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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