Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she smelled like a LAN party
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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