I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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