In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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